paint and run...

run for today: 8km in 1h 06 mins :) nearly died ah... 20 rounds around the park... saw so ppl came and go... while i just kept on running! nearly gave up at the 19th round... glad i pushed myself...

went to the fitness corner to do sit-ups and cool down exercises... i lied down on my back and right above me in the sky was today's moon... it was not full moon but beautiful... looking at it... thinking of my problems... the somehow became smaller... and the thought of indeed 世界真的很大 came to me...

tonight's moon... (but image is from web... haha)

oil painting class was good today... tried to get the colours myself :) failed the first time then got it the second time... not too bad...

painting-in-progress

the dreams last night were terrible... i woke up screaming... feeling angry... even when i have woken up... i refused to get off my bed... i was forcing myself to sleep more.... glad i went for painting and run... it did make me feel better... sometimes running is like running away all the problems you have... and after the run... u gain some strength to help u get by... while painting soothes my heart... and helps my mind to focus... to slow down...

time to blog!

wow... the week just passed like that...

although it was term break from school... it did not seem that i was free... perhaps cos there was still papers to write and clinical work done...

next week will have 2 days off from clinical work... shall try to finish group therapy paper! and catch up with readings!

hmm... supposed to think of some stuff as part of my personal therapy too...

hmm... that's all for now... thought process seems fragmented... perhaps will be better after painting and running tmr:)

closure, acceptance and letting go...

went back to school today... to trace the route i took while going home after class on wed...

but i did not find it...

it has been a transitional object for me... something that makes me feel jon is still here... still near... something that reminds me of jon... his cuteness... his joy... his innocence... his tigger...

but now it's really gone le...

no doubt... i know it is a closure for me to this whole episode... my dear friends have been consoling me... i have cried... have also processed it with cl today during therapy... cl asked if i was being too hard on myself over the loss... i told her i dun think it is a conscious thought... just that i have really lost it... and it is a regret in my life... with her processing... i accepted that there will definitely be regrets in life... but what is impt is how i handle these regrets...

like many of the words of comfort i have heard... i know maybe it is time to let go... maybe jon is telling me that he is ok and it's time to let him go... maybe God is expediting my process of letting go...

and even without the accessory... i will definitely still rem jon...

but i guess it is also e mind vs e heart... my mind is telling me all the above... but my heart is telling me otherwise and that i am still not ready...

looking at the image i made in class on wed... i know i am slowly letting go... but now it seems and it feels like i am 'forced' to let go... which makes it hard... it's like the second loss on top of the fresh wound left by the first loss...

cl also explored with me if there would be anything to help me cope better... and one i thot was to look for it today... though the hope seemed slim... it is abt coming face to face with it and having a closure... while another was perhaps to create something else to 'replace' the loss... but i also feel that it takes a lot of inertia too... to create a new thing...

for now... i will leave it as it is... just removed the remained string from my hp... what i need now is perhaps time... now that at least if felt that i have tried my best and closed the episode...

jon... ms chen misses you so much... i really did not think that i will lose your photo... and caused it to be in somewhere perhaps cold... perhaps dark... perhaps dirty... i am truly sorry dear...

e image i made in group class this week...

in despair...

sob sob... i lost something precious... why did i lose it?!

jon i'm sorry...

new oil painting!

hehe... here is the new painting! also went for a run after that...think i got faster... i actually walked a little... cos ankle hurts... but timing is getting faster! whee!
hee... my timing for my first official 10km run is... hehe... 1:15:22!! hehe.... think i did ok! will try to be faster the next time round!

gonna rest now... though there was no clinical work done this week... i felt i accomplished much! finished 1 presentation, 1 process notes, 1 diagnostic & case formulation paper! still had class... and had therapy too!

gonna start clinical work tmr again... gonna be a busy week!

side note... i wanna watch tv!

an earlier blog entry today!

doing my diagnostic and case formulation paper in school... stuck... dunno how to cont! haha... so shall blogged... told cl i wanna journal down abt our session today... it was indeed a great session with good insights about myself discovered! hehe... when i said i hope to help my clients draw those insights in the future... she said that if i can do it myself... i am on the way! whee!!

cl talked about the three parts of our being when i brought up some matters; the paternal, the adult and the child... the paternal part being the desire to nature, to take care and to help others... the adult being the analyst, the logical thinker that often helps guide of actions... the child being the part of us that is more spontaneous, child-like and free... wow... all these are new to me! at least a fresh perspective of myself! hehe... cl asked abt my child part... hmmm... got me thinking a lot... we explored and processed... as i talked... and i discovered that yeah i do not want to lose that part... i like that part abt myself... though it may be diminishing now due to certain things happening around me, my responsibilities and growing up... there is still a need to 'feed' this part of me! not to lose it yeah:)

other than this... there were other insights too.. it's amazing how one leads to the other... in such a safe manner... this is what i call therapeutic alliance! my therapist is good! hehe... and also catharsis too yeah!

i must remember these insights ya! part of my journey and growth:) must learn to tap on the biblical truth that is closely link these parts about myself... i guess at times i become so fixated at certain things that i have forgotten that i need not rely on my strength all the time! it is difficult to always remember... but i am on my way!

also to rem... sometimes my sense of responsibility becomes a hurdle in situations... must learn to let go!

appreciate myself so recognizing this part too.. i mean it is not easy all the time to recognize one's weakness when that is actually a strength! just as sometimes though it is crystal clear... it still takes one's willingness to see, accept, acknowledge and believe....

last but not least... something i learnt from cl today.... retreat to advance... hee... sounds to me like 休息是为了走更长远的路...

indeed a good session...

an artwork in group class...

something to share...

bought this cd today.... same cd but mine had a different cover... hmm... dunno y... this is nicer... but it is the same production... the songs are really nice... wanna load them to my ipod too...

one of the songs that speaks to my heart... fang for u too....

Smile

Smile though your heart is aching

Smile even though its breaking

When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by

If you smile through your fear and sorrow

Smile and maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness

Hide every trace of sadness

Although a tear may be ever so near

That's the time you must keep on trying

Smile, whats the use of crying?

You'll find that life is still worthwhile

If you just smile

is it my own oc'b'?

家家有本难念的经...

super frustrated with my mom...

i hate noise!

completed oil painting! finally!

on another note... the 老师 dun like my next oil painting pic... hmm... haha...

a moment to share...

did the following during group class... we were given a blank receipt roll to do anything we want... i made these for i and j... for the past weeks i have drawn balloons... must have bewildered my classmates without sharing... this week i shared... when f asked me abt the balloons... it was really hard... i cried... but i did... and my classmates were there to listen... the only thing is... no one continued sharing after i shared! ha...stars... but they look like balloons to me too... the balloons are not totally flying yet... just that i have not let go completely... have found a source of comfort after i talked to cl... something j and i have impacted my life that would never be forgotten or taken away from me...

sometimes letting go does not mean forgetting... it just mean that there is more acceptance...

saw the following video on ade's blog... reminded me of my experience in class... the power of shared experiences to given one the courage to face his or her own challenges in life....

what a night...

went for oriental night... glad to be invited:) due to the theme... i had fun dressing up... haha... thanks to v for her nice cheongsam... thanks to yy for all her nice accessories! n my mom for doing my hair! hehe... it was fun :) ask me how i look? hehe... i think i look great! haha!

felt a little overwhelmed initially... cos technically i have left the sch... yup... so a little out of place... think the best time was when i took photos with jie... hehe... while the rest are singing and while we were waiting for e last train! hehe... our photos are so funny! esp those of jie! hehe... jie won the best outfit! her cheongsam tells a story! hee... cool story!

tonight was also a night full of emotions...

received pressies from my ex-students... really sweet of them... also received a mail containing a pressie for me from i's mom... when someone sang the song 月亮代表我的心... it reminded me so much of i... i teared... luckily he translated and sang it in english... if not it would be harder... if i is still around... he will go around with his bag of pressies for all the teachers who once taught him... we know that the pressies were all prepared by his mom... but it is the way that i gave each of us that made it so special....

i wish all the special teachers i know a 'Happy Teachers' Day!'.... teachers have always played important roles in my life... and when i became one... i knew it was a privilege the Lord has given... my first love... now that i'm working towards my second love... i see the treasures being a teacher has left me with....

to j and i.... and all my students.... thank you for being my students... it's indeed a privilege the Lord has given...